my bones ache, my stomach hurts, my head is throbbing
i miss you
where have you been?
i need you so much closer.
ahaha this is pathetic and i am drunk.
i am so drunk.
i miss you so much where are you?
kshfjkdshfsd i feel pointless, writing these for no one.
and it's okay been three days
but as it nears half a week, i get horrified that maybe you left again.
just a note that says hi would be fantastic.
just to know i'm not being thrown away.
i am going to sleep.
i am sick and tired.
and tired and sick.
i have a new boyfriend
his name is gerard butler.
i love you, as always.
and though i may be sleeping with gerard, my heart belongs to you.
which kind of sucks, right now.
i am unhappy.
you have a good excuse.
i've had that song stuck in my head all day.
i am tired.
this is tiring.
i'll check back at ten, then ten thirty.
then i'm going to sleep.
since i doubt you'll be there.
this is how i get, after a day.
i don't think you want to deal with this.
could you imagine how jealous i would be if you had a job where you had to go away on business?
this is how i've been groomed, i imagine.
if you aren't here for over 24 hours, i begin to fear that you've bolted.
i begin to freak out that maybe i fucked everything up.
i begin to tell myself, it's okay and teach myself to feel nothing, to be a shell.
and then you come back, because of course you come back, and i feel terrible for ever doubting you.
but i do.
i do doubt you, and it's so unfair to you.
and i hate myself for that.
you're fantastic. you're the best possibly maybe boyfriend i've ever had- but i am small when you are not around.
when you are here, i feel like i am strong. i boast and tease and get out of hand.
it's all to control and hide the fact that i am socially awkward, i am shy, i am self-loathing and afraid.
i only want to be wrapped up in you.
and maybe, some day, i'll learn to control that fear, that worry that once you leave you'll never come back.
it slowly dissipates the more you're around.
but it's the times when i miss you that it hurts the most.
when you come back, i will love you harder, as if to make up for lost time.
because a day feels like years.
and i don't want to wait any more.
i love you.
i told myself i wouldn't post anything until you posted something other than the words "i don't need no love" and drunken ramblings.
but i'm posting this.
i have to go.
i have to drive someone around.
i am so exhausted.
i'm sorry, i can't wait up.
every inch of me is sick.
i love you.
five more minutes and i watch another episode of bones, and then i check again after it's over.
...i feel really lonely tonight
i'm really sick.
i just- want to curl up inside your words and pretend i am not miserable.
how are you?
why get drunk when you have chickenpox?
i'm so confused.
i am super miserable.
i have thrown up more times than i can count, which is disgusting, but how my day has been going.
don't let my day bring you down though.
i love you, so much.